be

do you ever wonder what you are?
not what you are trying to be, or what you can be, or what you need to be.
i'm wondering what i am right now. what comes from me naturally without thought or effort.
its not love, and unconditional acceptance.
i mean sometimes those things come out, but most of the time its because i am focusing on what i need to be or what i should be.
but what comes out with no effort is
irritation.
sarcasm.
selfishness.
and compulsivity.
oh when can i be what want to be.

Remember not, Lord Christ, our offenses, nor the offenses
of our forefathers; neither reward us according to our sins.
Spare us, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast
redeemed with thy most precious blood, and by thy mercy
preserve us, for ever.
Spare us, good Lord.

I

I am torn.
I want to do the right thing, and I want to do what I want. And so often what I want is not right.
And in my thinking that I want to do what is right, I question why. Why? Why? Because I want to be good? And if I was "good", would I have to even try to do the right thing? It would come naturally.
Being torn with right and wrong makes me realize what a child I am.

Almighty and most merciful Father,
we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep,
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our
own hearts,
we have offended against thy holy laws,
we have left undone those things which we ought to
have done, and we have done those things which we ought not to
have done.
But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
spare thou those who confess their faults,
restore thou those who are penitent,
according to thy promises declared unto mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord;
and grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake,
that we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life,
to the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

---

O God, you have created all things by the power of your
Word, and you renew the earth by your Spirit: Give now the
water of life to those who thirst for you, that they may bring
forth abundant fruit in your glorious kingdom; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.

its Easter.

i think the concept of posting blogs is a funny thing. Its like a way for us to have our "journals" or "diaries" read by other people. Now why i would want that, i don't know.

i have actually had this site for a while, i have just kept it private; no one knew i had it. I like to have things that are between me and myself, and no one else. Why must everything be known? But, i have been having more and more thoughts lately that i want feedback on, but at the same time i don't want to push them on people by imposing a long philosophical conversation on them (which if you know me, you know that tends to happen). SO, in light of this, i decided that if you want to be a part of my thoughts, you have that choice.

It is Holy Week. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. We remember that He is alive, and that he is coming back, and that it's for that reason that some of us devote our lives to "the Way". This intense reminder is good for me. I want to quit sometimes. I want to leave the Way, and I want to do what I want to do. I don't want to think. I don't want to follow. The problem with this is that I have been created with a deep hole in my heart that is constantly screaming for a reason for existence. There must be something more. There must be something more. There must be something more. And that is why Easter is so important. Because it expresses my 'something more'. It gives me a reason.

Lately my questions have been getting answered.

I can't see you!
Blessed is he who believes without seeing.
I don't understand!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
And when I do feel You, why can't everyone else?
The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not comprehend it.

It is right there that i struggle. In my mind; according to what i think i know; i have found what i believe to be the Light. And because of the sense of meaning and fulfillment it brings me, i am compelled to hope and pray and try to get others to find the same Light. But how do you bring something to those that can't comprehend? And why was I allowed to understand? What was the specific light that broke through my darkness? What was the Light brought to me that gave me something more? And who am i to assume that i am privileged?
We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you; Because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world.