Goodbye.

Several thoughts right now...
First of all, this is my blog, with my thoughts. So I'm not going feel guilt for expressing what's on my mind when all you have to do is not read it if you don't want to know. Besides, there's only one person I for sure know that reads this.

I never got to say goodbye. I was there, and then I was gone. I never got to say it, and I'm now realizing that I'm going to have to come to grips with that, and accept it as part of the journey I'm on. Since this is my blog, I want to say goodbye.

Anyway, today I'm remembering a feeling that is now only a memory, and a dream I rarely have. There are many things that can trigger this feeling in me: weather, a certain time of day,different times of year, a song, a voice, a picture, my guitar, etc etc.

The feelings are the memories of my past life that just recently passed away. I resort to blogging about it all because I'm sick of talking it to death with my friends. At least now they choose if they want to hear me or not.

I know that there was pain in what I used to have. I know there was. In fact, in many ways I'm so very blessed now even more than before. But there is a sense of loss that only time will heal. I have moved into the acceptance stage of grieving. I have tried to revive my friendships that suffered. I have tried to be supportive in every way. I have tried to escape through relationships, traveling, alcohol, sleeping, and on and on. But the bottom line is only time will wash away the hurt. And only Jesus will give me the grace to survive the time.

First I want to say I'm sorry. I feel I have been treated unjustly, and wrongly. But in the END, I could have prevented this by following what I knew was right. So, I'm sorry.

So I'll miss driving you, and talking with you, and fundraising for you, and singing with you, and going to camp with you, and laughing with you, and teaching for you, and failing for you, and winning for you. I will miss the pain of holding you up, and the lessons you taught me. I will miss being so exhausted I can hardly stand. I will miss the awkward sex talks, telling your parents on you, and the way you make fun of me for being "old". I will miss my office, and you finding the random sherriff badges and boxes of baking soda. I'll miss your art, and discussing the meaning of life. I will miss watching you cry as Jesus touches you while I play you a new song. I'll even miss the damn Scandinavian festival.

Thank you for the time I had with you.
I'm sorry for how it ended.
I love you.
Goodbye.

two.

Remember that time that we wanted
The world to be different again
Remember the way that we fought it, remember back then
Remember how I used to love you, And long every hour I gave
But two years was all that you needed, two years just caved

So forget me while I’m
waiting to find myself
Forget all the times that I came to your side and helped
Forget all the blood, forget all the love,
Forget all the reasons I wasn’t enough.
Forget it so I can remember who I once was.

In two years life can be different, in 2 years worlds can change
Just 24 short months I’ve been here, and I’ve lost my name
Sweet adolescence has fallen, due the need of my shame
Once a role model, and now I just follow looking to make up a name.
Trying to make up a name.


So forget me while I’m
waiting to find myself
Forget all the times that I came to your side and helped
Forget all the blood, forget all the love,
Forget all the reasons I wasn’t enough.
Forget it so I can remember who I once was.

anvil

Do you
Do you remember
Do you
Do you think I ever
Meant for that to look like this
Do you
Do you remember
do you
Do you think I ever
Meant for that
to be given back

so now I'm

Eight eyes
Eight eyes down
Now I'm on ten
and I hear that sound
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
once again

Have I
Have I lost my temper
Have I
Have I once said never
to your glossy simple brown eyed stare
Have I
Have I lost my temper
Have I once never
to your take me love me own me blue eyed glare

now i'm stuck with

Eight Eyes
Eight eyes down
Now I'm on ten
And I hear that sound
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
once again

right

i watched you walk
away again. this time it
was probably the last
time.
into the night
into the past that i fight.
into the night.
into the right part of my life.

never doubted that choice
always covered that voice that
told me i might.
and even though i'm sure its right
more than sure
but still
into the Night
into the past that i fight
into the Night
into the right part of my life

Cinderella

You were so
beautiful
and nobody knew

you were so
hard to know
but so beautiful

You have so much love
and lately
you have so much loss
and lately
you have much to give
and lately
so much loss

Cinderella
someday we'll know your worth
Cinderella
we'll see your beauty and all
you have saved
and loved
and watched.
Cinderella, some day your prince will come.

I can't hide
what I know is true
I can't walk
thru what you can use
I can't be
anything but me

You have so much love
and lately
you have so much loss
and lately
you have much to give
and lately
so much loss

Cinderella
You're dirty but a prize
Cinderella
Your're losing and you're gone
You have fought
And died
And won
Cinderella, someday your prince will come

it.

Today I have lived, but I'm not sure I can call it that.
The hour glass that holds the sand of my life is quickly running out, I can feel it.
I can feel an urgency in my heart to do things, to accomplish things, to say things.
But that same urgency is clouded over with a silent hand.
I am paralyzed. I am stiff.
I'm about to break, and I HAVE told you. You just didn't understand or believe.
I'm drifting away, and there is nothing you or I can do.
What was once so solid and certain is now a memory.
What was once undeniably secure, has vanished underneath me.
Now more then ever do I know that nothing is immune to the things in this world.
But despite that knowledge, I continue in my way of what seems like ignorance, but to me is perserverance.
You can't break me anymore than you already have, and some day I'll be laughing at you for not believing.
What you think is me is so not.
I do love you, and I'm sorry if you don't think so.
I think it will be different from now on.

my prayer

Jesus in heaven, even your name is holy.
Please help us to live in your Kingdom here in this world, just like it is in the Heavenly world.
Please take care of me today,
and please forgive me, and I'll forgive those I need to too.
Help me stay away from the things that will hurt me,
and save me from evil.
The Kingdom is yours, all power is yours, and all glory is yours.
love you.