And...

I'm going to do it. I'm going to rant about love. LOVE. Cliche: love is the answer. No, it really is. Love is the way to God. God IS love. God is present in our love for others.
What is love? Love: Preferring others over ourselves, even when it hurts.
Following Jesus and being like him is so much more than just admitting we are full of sin, and miserable wretches. Jesus LOVES us. That is the good news.
Love your neighbor as yourself. This is equal to loving God with all your heart.
Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. God inhabits love. He lives in selflessness.
He LIVES. In love.
This means that God is in places that we sometimes wouldn't think he would be.
He is the kindness a homosexual shows an adulterer on the side of the road by helping with a flat tire.
He is in the defending of a Muslim from hate by the Democrat that didn't vote for the conservative.
He is in the Christian Church taking an offering up for those with out jobs.
He's in the friend that lets another friend that's locked out of the house stay with them.
He is in ALL that. Even if they don't know it. Is God not big enough to be in the places we don't find him worthy? Isn't that what Jesus did? Didn't he go where the religious leaders thought he was too good for? Didn't he go where other religious teachers/pastors would be embarrassed to go?
He is IN love. If I have knowledge, and commentaries, and doctrine, and the correct interpretation of the Scripture, and not love...I have nothing.
I have nothing.
If I don't love, I have nothing.

PS does this mean that I don't know that I suck? No. I know. But I want to be like Jesus so badly. I'm just really weak.

yep.

I wish there was one week that could go by that I wouldn't somehow inadvertantly hurt or offend someone.
I promise, you don't understand whatever hurt you.

In case you wondered...

Its just funny. Everything is so funny. Sometimes my life is like that bad dream everyone has. You know, the one where life is going great, and then all of a sudden you realize you've been walking around naked for 3 years? I'm the naked one.
You share, you live, you empathize. No, you REALLY empathize. Its not fake. But alas, you're an ass in the end.
This whole business operation thing is really a terrifying thing. At anytime, any day, any of my partners could decide they have had enough, and they they are done. And they could walk away with the wound of the loss of a couple thousand dollars. Must be nice.
Hmmm...what would I lose...
What i usually lose: my current life's work.
I know I'm working for nothing. I know. Can't you just accept it? Its the reason I don't call home. Its the same talk. Yes, I could make money doing "this" or "that". Yes, I need to get paid at my job. Yes, I could probably find a car loan.
Why is it so hard to accept that I'm not in whatever job I have for the money? Why??
I'm not trying to sound pious or humble. But seriously. Its not about the money. Leave me alone.
I am happy where i'm at. I have invested in this community, and I'm here for the long haul. Does it hurt at times? yes. Is it lonely? Yes, a LOT.
But seriously, if I moved to a high profile big bustling city where there lots of single men and job opportunities, what would I gain.
Work?
Worth from a man?
What?
Just so you know, all I ever hear from you when you throw "options" out there for me is that you don't want me around.
Quit trying to live vicariously through me. I did college. I did my "career". It didn't work.
If you wish you would have done it differently, then take it up with yourself.
I have my own pain. I don't need your insecurities to tack on to it.

again.

Dear non-existant internet that I write to regularly,
I don't know what the hell i'm doing. And I hate the fucking holiday season.
love,
your sick friend.

end

And in the end
you were loved for who you are.
not the shell you lived in.

if

A woman came into Max's the other day that looked like my aunt. It made me sad. Then the next day a different lady came in that reminded me of my other aunt.
I wonder a lot what it would be like to live in a town or even the same area where your family lives.
Weird.

stupid.

stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.