before

Hello out there, demented blog followers. Whoever you are. (Hi Kristyn, I appreciate your openness about you dementia)

Anyway. I'm in kind of a "blah" mood, whatever that means. I was thinking today about Jesus. As I was reading Luke (and no, this is not a pious attempt to out my Bible reading, making me look like a good Christian. I am FAR from a good Christian. In fact, I don't even want to be a Christian most of the time, but I can't help it because half the time I'm scared, and half the time I believe.) I came to realize that Jesus was accomplishing his purpose while on earth. His mission was filled before he died. In fact, (heresy warning) I wonder if his death and resurrection were merely acts of symbolism for the Jewish people that God performed for the sake of their following. To show them. The mission of Christ today is to heal, reconcile, and set free. That was the same mission he had before he died. Before people could receive the doctrine of his dying and rising, Jesus was out forgiving sins. He was forgiving before he died. He was calling for love before he died. Maybe that's what salvation is. Maybe that powerful phrase belted out at the birth of Jesus that is lost so much to holiday tradition today really was what he was about. Peace on Earth. Goodwill to men. Peace. Love. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Well Jesus, that sucks. But then I know how my heart is softened towards people that love me, when they really should hate me. Love others, or as I like to say, prefer others over yourself. That is the kingdom of God. I suck at it. But I believe in it. I want to love much, because I have been forgiven much. I have been forgiven of so much.

listen to me

Sometimes I feel demented for the things I write on this blog. I just think you should all know, that I know how weird it is. I know I've touched on this before in a prior post, but part of me being demented means I don't really remember yesterday. Anyway, its almost like the blog is emotional voyeurism: me hoping you randomly read what is in my head, and me never knowing really who is looking. Invigorating. However, I have recently decided that you guys who read this are actually the disturbed ones. My posts are usually some obscure weird thought that randomly pops in, or some kind of drunken rambling about "poor me" or something like that. Yet you keep coming back...curious...
Okay, so Christmas just happened. I'm not quite over it, it all happened so fast. I saw my family. It was like going into the twilight zone because hardly anyone I know knows my family, and they don't know anyone here. So I have one world I'm in all the time, and another world I'm in 3-6 days a year. Very strange. Was it a bad time? No, it was fine.
ANYway. So the whole point of me writing is to express something. I'm trying lately to be a better listener, and in that I am constantly noticing how people listen. Here's where I'm going...
I have somethings I want to express, but I feel like they are continually invalidated. For example, I have a lot of anxiety over family gatherings. Do I know why? yes yes, not the issue. Do I want to be over it? Uh, yes. So, when a family gathering approaches, someone will ask me "Are you looking forward to it?" And I'll say some thing like (depending on the person of course) "I'm looking forward to it, but I don't know how to talk to my mom, and every time she asks me personal questions I cringe, and I can't physically take when either of my parents touch me". If ever this has come out of my mouth (which isn't often) I get a response that most resembles "Oh, they're your parents! They just love you and want to know how you're doing! Its their job to worry!".
Really. I had no idea.
Here's the thing, I know that. I know. In fact, you telling me that only helps the guilty feeling I already have over the issue get bigger and bigger. People tend to identify with the parent, feeling very sorry for them, and wondering how on earth I could feel such a pathetic thing. Then I have more regret for even bringing them into my thought life.
My point: listening. If someone is telling you they have a fear or a paranoid delusion, or an obsessive irrational habit, the last thing they need is to hear how irrational that is, and that they are just paranoid. In fact, they probably already know. Sometimes you just need to get stuff out; to be accepted in your paranoid delusions. Then once you realize you're not totally crazy for being crazy, its almost like you're Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, and you find the way out yourself. The person who patiently listens is the good witch Glinda (yes, "Glinda", not "Glenda". Don't believe me? Google it.) and they simply reveal that you've had the ruby slippers on the whole time.
Okay, I have successfully forgotten what the hell I'm talking about.
Oh god. I really am crazy.

.......................

Guess what.
Guess.
what.
guess what.

this and that.

Today as I was driving around, I realized what a weird concept driving is.
We are in these little tin cans (for the most part) and we drive at lethal speeds toward each other on the road, trusting the other person not to veer 6-12 inches over towards us and collide head on, most likely plunging us to an untimely death. We do this everyday.
AND, while we're naively trusting strangers to stay on their side, we drive while eating, talking, doing make-up, singing, etc etc. Not a care in the world. I, of course, am one of the worst offenders when it comes to driving and multi-tasking.
It really is amazing there aren't more car accidents.

Speaking of texting, what the heck is that? We write little notes to each other in little boxes, and it travels through outer space, and then outer space tells my little box what words to show me. And all in a matter of seconds.
Crazy.

Also on my mind today, this whole airplane security thing. I have all these lofty, rebellious plans of how I would protest. But really I'm just as big a part of the "herd" as everyone else. But anyway...this whole full body image scanner or full body pat down thing really does freak me out. It makes me not want to fly. I'm so annoyed by some large "anonymous" force deciding things like this. Yes yes, for our safety. Its alllll in the name of safety. On one hand I'm annoyed by all these precautions because its inconvenient and kind of invasive. The rebellious side of me wants to go through the line, and when my turn to choose "scan" or "pat down" comes, I just want to strip down right there in the line, making the whole experience awkward for everyone. BUT, then i would be carted off, probably arrested, probably on the news, and I would also miss my flight. So I'll keep quiet and let the TSA grab my ass. Only for the sake of safety though.
Now the other hand....this whole scenario kind of reminds me of what parents might go through. They give "really strict" rules their kids. To toddlers and younger kids: Don't play in the street. How awful! The street is an undiscovered, uncharted territory filled with a vast amount of play time options! The mystery! The thrill! Why oh WHYYYY can't I go in the street??? Then you grow up and realize, uh yeah. I could have died. So that's what I'm likening this whole airport-molestation thing to. Partially to make myself feel better, and partially because it coulllldd be true. Its just a little inconvenient. A little weird. But hell, we're alive, right?

hey.

Hey. I'm home.
For those of you who knew I was gone,
or care that I came back.
You can call me and text me like you usually do.
Wait. Like I usually hope you will.
Because an "anonymous" blog is my family now.
I'm back.
yay.

repeat.

Get up.
Go to work.
Wait til work is over.
Go home.
Walk to store to buy food.
Walk home.
Eat food.
Watch re-runs on netflix.
Go to bed.
Do it again.

Alone.

repeat.

And...

I'm going to do it. I'm going to rant about love. LOVE. Cliche: love is the answer. No, it really is. Love is the way to God. God IS love. God is present in our love for others.
What is love? Love: Preferring others over ourselves, even when it hurts.
Following Jesus and being like him is so much more than just admitting we are full of sin, and miserable wretches. Jesus LOVES us. That is the good news.
Love your neighbor as yourself. This is equal to loving God with all your heart.
Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. God inhabits love. He lives in selflessness.
He LIVES. In love.
This means that God is in places that we sometimes wouldn't think he would be.
He is the kindness a homosexual shows an adulterer on the side of the road by helping with a flat tire.
He is in the defending of a Muslim from hate by the Democrat that didn't vote for the conservative.
He is in the Christian Church taking an offering up for those with out jobs.
He's in the friend that lets another friend that's locked out of the house stay with them.
He is in ALL that. Even if they don't know it. Is God not big enough to be in the places we don't find him worthy? Isn't that what Jesus did? Didn't he go where the religious leaders thought he was too good for? Didn't he go where other religious teachers/pastors would be embarrassed to go?
He is IN love. If I have knowledge, and commentaries, and doctrine, and the correct interpretation of the Scripture, and not love...I have nothing.
I have nothing.
If I don't love, I have nothing.

PS does this mean that I don't know that I suck? No. I know. But I want to be like Jesus so badly. I'm just really weak.