this and that.

Today as I was driving around, I realized what a weird concept driving is.
We are in these little tin cans (for the most part) and we drive at lethal speeds toward each other on the road, trusting the other person not to veer 6-12 inches over towards us and collide head on, most likely plunging us to an untimely death. We do this everyday.
AND, while we're naively trusting strangers to stay on their side, we drive while eating, talking, doing make-up, singing, etc etc. Not a care in the world. I, of course, am one of the worst offenders when it comes to driving and multi-tasking.
It really is amazing there aren't more car accidents.

Speaking of texting, what the heck is that? We write little notes to each other in little boxes, and it travels through outer space, and then outer space tells my little box what words to show me. And all in a matter of seconds.
Crazy.

Also on my mind today, this whole airplane security thing. I have all these lofty, rebellious plans of how I would protest. But really I'm just as big a part of the "herd" as everyone else. But anyway...this whole full body image scanner or full body pat down thing really does freak me out. It makes me not want to fly. I'm so annoyed by some large "anonymous" force deciding things like this. Yes yes, for our safety. Its alllll in the name of safety. On one hand I'm annoyed by all these precautions because its inconvenient and kind of invasive. The rebellious side of me wants to go through the line, and when my turn to choose "scan" or "pat down" comes, I just want to strip down right there in the line, making the whole experience awkward for everyone. BUT, then i would be carted off, probably arrested, probably on the news, and I would also miss my flight. So I'll keep quiet and let the TSA grab my ass. Only for the sake of safety though.
Now the other hand....this whole scenario kind of reminds me of what parents might go through. They give "really strict" rules their kids. To toddlers and younger kids: Don't play in the street. How awful! The street is an undiscovered, uncharted territory filled with a vast amount of play time options! The mystery! The thrill! Why oh WHYYYY can't I go in the street??? Then you grow up and realize, uh yeah. I could have died. So that's what I'm likening this whole airport-molestation thing to. Partially to make myself feel better, and partially because it coulllldd be true. Its just a little inconvenient. A little weird. But hell, we're alive, right?

hey.

Hey. I'm home.
For those of you who knew I was gone,
or care that I came back.
You can call me and text me like you usually do.
Wait. Like I usually hope you will.
Because an "anonymous" blog is my family now.
I'm back.
yay.

repeat.

Get up.
Go to work.
Wait til work is over.
Go home.
Walk to store to buy food.
Walk home.
Eat food.
Watch re-runs on netflix.
Go to bed.
Do it again.

Alone.

repeat.

And...

I'm going to do it. I'm going to rant about love. LOVE. Cliche: love is the answer. No, it really is. Love is the way to God. God IS love. God is present in our love for others.
What is love? Love: Preferring others over ourselves, even when it hurts.
Following Jesus and being like him is so much more than just admitting we are full of sin, and miserable wretches. Jesus LOVES us. That is the good news.
Love your neighbor as yourself. This is equal to loving God with all your heart.
Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. God inhabits love. He lives in selflessness.
He LIVES. In love.
This means that God is in places that we sometimes wouldn't think he would be.
He is the kindness a homosexual shows an adulterer on the side of the road by helping with a flat tire.
He is in the defending of a Muslim from hate by the Democrat that didn't vote for the conservative.
He is in the Christian Church taking an offering up for those with out jobs.
He's in the friend that lets another friend that's locked out of the house stay with them.
He is in ALL that. Even if they don't know it. Is God not big enough to be in the places we don't find him worthy? Isn't that what Jesus did? Didn't he go where the religious leaders thought he was too good for? Didn't he go where other religious teachers/pastors would be embarrassed to go?
He is IN love. If I have knowledge, and commentaries, and doctrine, and the correct interpretation of the Scripture, and not love...I have nothing.
I have nothing.
If I don't love, I have nothing.

PS does this mean that I don't know that I suck? No. I know. But I want to be like Jesus so badly. I'm just really weak.

yep.

I wish there was one week that could go by that I wouldn't somehow inadvertantly hurt or offend someone.
I promise, you don't understand whatever hurt you.

In case you wondered...

Its just funny. Everything is so funny. Sometimes my life is like that bad dream everyone has. You know, the one where life is going great, and then all of a sudden you realize you've been walking around naked for 3 years? I'm the naked one.
You share, you live, you empathize. No, you REALLY empathize. Its not fake. But alas, you're an ass in the end.
This whole business operation thing is really a terrifying thing. At anytime, any day, any of my partners could decide they have had enough, and they they are done. And they could walk away with the wound of the loss of a couple thousand dollars. Must be nice.
Hmmm...what would I lose...
What i usually lose: my current life's work.
I know I'm working for nothing. I know. Can't you just accept it? Its the reason I don't call home. Its the same talk. Yes, I could make money doing "this" or "that". Yes, I need to get paid at my job. Yes, I could probably find a car loan.
Why is it so hard to accept that I'm not in whatever job I have for the money? Why??
I'm not trying to sound pious or humble. But seriously. Its not about the money. Leave me alone.
I am happy where i'm at. I have invested in this community, and I'm here for the long haul. Does it hurt at times? yes. Is it lonely? Yes, a LOT.
But seriously, if I moved to a high profile big bustling city where there lots of single men and job opportunities, what would I gain.
Work?
Worth from a man?
What?
Just so you know, all I ever hear from you when you throw "options" out there for me is that you don't want me around.
Quit trying to live vicariously through me. I did college. I did my "career". It didn't work.
If you wish you would have done it differently, then take it up with yourself.
I have my own pain. I don't need your insecurities to tack on to it.