Saturday, February 27, 2010

who...?


I saw a picture of myself today that I wasn't expecting to see. It wasn't a bad picture; actually it was probably one of my better ones. And though it was only 6 months ago, the me in that picture is not the me I am now. So as I looked at myself, I had the thought, "i miss you", and "you don't even exist anymore".
It's a weird feeling to have.
In that picture there are parts of me that are now dead, or dying a slow, painful death. Its the curse of memory.
However, there are parts of me in that picture that were yet to exist, and that couldn't exist without the death of the parts I thought I loved. And honestly, I think I really did love those parts legitimately.
But now I'm someone different.
I guess basically what I'm saying is that I need to learn to appreciate myself now, just in case I die again. I don't want to end up missing myself again.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Rant

Dear blog world,

Here is yet another thought or rant that I'm going to spew into cyberspace to my readership, which to my knowledge is one man who is often bewildered almost to the point of irritation by my writings, so I don't know why I do this.

I am no super-christian. I am not a great christ-follower. In fact, the more I get to know Christ, or what/who I think Christ to be the more I realize I know nothing, and sometimes even less than nothing. There is my disclaimer.

PS my thoughts are scattered today.

I have been thinking lately about what loving God means. I'm almost irritated. People do all sorts of nice things for other people in the name of loving God. I don't know about you, but if I was in a crisis and needed someone, and received help, I would feel their help was cheapened when I learned they were helping me "because they love God". Oh, great. I'm getting they're sacrifice, and it wasn't even for me, it was for someone else. I bet I could find a pagan in the world that has no knowledge of "God" and would help me because of their care for ME as an individual. I say this to say...that I think people confuse what the love of God is. I am saying this with full confidence in my heart: we do NOT love God more than we love people. We do not! Loving God EQUALS loving people. Love your neighbor as yourself was the answer Jesus gave in response to being asked what the greatest commandment is. There was one question: What is the greatest commandment? Not, "what are the TWO greatest commandments". Jesus felt that loving the people God created was just as important to mentioning that loving God is the most important commandment.

My bottom line is that WE are the portals to Christ in each others lives. I believe he physically and literally fills us with himself. We are his body. His real body. When we love each other we are loving Him, in the most literal sense. I'm so sick of hearing people say "I'm so in love with Jesus, I'm enthralled with God's love", and then seeing them be abrasive jerks to those around them. I'm not saying we can't have personal and spiritual experiences with the Spirit of God alone. But I think he is in more of what we do each day with each other, than anywhere else. I also think that an awareness of the literal existence of Christ and an acceptance of his sovereignty (which is commonly known as salvation) is NOT needed for Christ to work. I think that Jesus is in every act of selfless love, even if people don't know that he is. He is God after all, and he does love all people. Why should I be so small minded to think that he can't work ANYwhere? Love changes people, and "non saved" (whatever that means) people change lives all the time. Maybe salvation is one person being changed by the love and acceptance of an individual, and knowing the value of that experience, and genuinely wanting to "pay it forward".

So, I don't want to be the sacrifice of love you lay down on the altar to prove your allegiance to God. I want to be the mercy you're showing out of a changed life, knowing that your love for me could change mine.

Monday, February 8, 2010

bleed

I bled on you, then could see the blood that changed me inside me
And though you saw some gory things, you saw the healing bleeding brings
I wish I hadn’t shown my wounds, but since I did you saw the truth
The pain that shepherds might go through
The pain that love brings healing to
I bled on you, I bled on you
I bled on you, I bled on you

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Goodbye.

Several thoughts right now...
First of all, this is my blog, with my thoughts. So I'm not going feel guilt for expressing what's on my mind when all you have to do is not read it if you don't want to know. Besides, there's only one person I for sure know that reads this.

I never got to say goodbye. I was there, and then I was gone. I never got to say it, and I'm now realizing that I'm going to have to come to grips with that, and accept it as part of the journey I'm on. Since this is my blog, I want to say goodbye.

Anyway, today I'm remembering a feeling that is now only a memory, and a dream I rarely have. There are many things that can trigger this feeling in me: weather, a certain time of day,different times of year, a song, a voice, a picture, my guitar, etc etc.

The feelings are the memories of my past life that just recently passed away. I resort to blogging about it all because I'm sick of talking it to death with my friends. At least now they choose if they want to hear me or not.

I know that there was pain in what I used to have. I know there was. In fact, in many ways I'm so very blessed now even more than before. But there is a sense of loss that only time will heal. I have moved into the acceptance stage of grieving. I have tried to revive my friendships that suffered. I have tried to be supportive in every way. I have tried to escape through relationships, traveling, alcohol, sleeping, and on and on. But the bottom line is only time will wash away the hurt. And only Jesus will give me the grace to survive the time.

First I want to say I'm sorry. I feel I have been treated unjustly, and wrongly. But in the END, I could have prevented this by following what I knew was right. So, I'm sorry.

So I'll miss driving you, and talking with you, and fundraising for you, and singing with you, and going to camp with you, and laughing with you, and teaching for you, and failing for you, and winning for you. I will miss the pain of holding you up, and the lessons you taught me. I will miss being so exhausted I can hardly stand. I will miss the awkward sex talks, telling your parents on you, and the way you make fun of me for being "old". I will miss my office, and you finding the random sherriff badges and boxes of baking soda. I'll miss your art, and discussing the meaning of life. I will miss watching you cry as Jesus touches you while I play you a new song. I'll even miss the damn Scandinavian festival.

Thank you for the time I had with you.
I'm sorry for how it ended.
I love you.
Goodbye.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

two.

Remember that time that we wanted
The world to be different again
Remember the way that we fought it, remember back then
Remember how I used to love you, And long every hour I gave
But two years was all that you needed, two years just caved

So forget me while I’m
waiting to find myself
Forget all the times that I came to your side and helped
Forget all the blood, forget all the love,
Forget all the reasons I wasn’t enough.
Forget it so I can remember who I once was.

In two years life can be different, in 2 years worlds can change
Just 24 short months I’ve been here, and I’ve lost my name
Sweet adolescence has fallen, due the need of my shame
Once a role model, and now I just follow looking to make up a name.
Trying to make up a name.


So forget me while I’m
waiting to find myself
Forget all the times that I came to your side and helped
Forget all the blood, forget all the love,
Forget all the reasons I wasn’t enough.
Forget it so I can remember who I once was.