anvil

Do you
Do you remember
Do you
Do you think I ever
Meant for that to look like this
Do you
Do you remember
do you
Do you think I ever
Meant for that
to be given back

so now I'm

Eight eyes
Eight eyes down
Now I'm on ten
and I hear that sound
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
once again

Have I
Have I lost my temper
Have I
Have I once said never
to your glossy simple brown eyed stare
Have I
Have I lost my temper
Have I once never
to your take me love me own me blue eyed glare

now i'm stuck with

Eight Eyes
Eight eyes down
Now I'm on ten
And I hear that sound
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
of a heart that bore the chisel
once again

right

i watched you walk
away again. this time it
was probably the last
time.
into the night
into the past that i fight.
into the night.
into the right part of my life.

never doubted that choice
always covered that voice that
told me i might.
and even though i'm sure its right
more than sure
but still
into the Night
into the past that i fight
into the Night
into the right part of my life

Cinderella

You were so
beautiful
and nobody knew

you were so
hard to know
but so beautiful

You have so much love
and lately
you have so much loss
and lately
you have much to give
and lately
so much loss

Cinderella
someday we'll know your worth
Cinderella
we'll see your beauty and all
you have saved
and loved
and watched.
Cinderella, some day your prince will come.

I can't hide
what I know is true
I can't walk
thru what you can use
I can't be
anything but me

You have so much love
and lately
you have so much loss
and lately
you have much to give
and lately
so much loss

Cinderella
You're dirty but a prize
Cinderella
Your're losing and you're gone
You have fought
And died
And won
Cinderella, someday your prince will come

it.

Today I have lived, but I'm not sure I can call it that.
The hour glass that holds the sand of my life is quickly running out, I can feel it.
I can feel an urgency in my heart to do things, to accomplish things, to say things.
But that same urgency is clouded over with a silent hand.
I am paralyzed. I am stiff.
I'm about to break, and I HAVE told you. You just didn't understand or believe.
I'm drifting away, and there is nothing you or I can do.
What was once so solid and certain is now a memory.
What was once undeniably secure, has vanished underneath me.
Now more then ever do I know that nothing is immune to the things in this world.
But despite that knowledge, I continue in my way of what seems like ignorance, but to me is perserverance.
You can't break me anymore than you already have, and some day I'll be laughing at you for not believing.
What you think is me is so not.
I do love you, and I'm sorry if you don't think so.
I think it will be different from now on.

my prayer

Jesus in heaven, even your name is holy.
Please help us to live in your Kingdom here in this world, just like it is in the Heavenly world.
Please take care of me today,
and please forgive me, and I'll forgive those I need to too.
Help me stay away from the things that will hurt me,
and save me from evil.
The Kingdom is yours, all power is yours, and all glory is yours.
love you.

tuesday

Hey, i watched you Tuesday morning,
work out life with a Sunday school class.
no one gave you a second look, but me
and now I've got an empty glass.

So what should I do now
what should I do.
Should I look your way or mine now
Should I let you in my mind now
what should I do.

Hey you're watching me this morning.
Working out my life when it passed
You're the only one I want to touch,
And i'm stuck behind the glass

So where should I go now,
where should I go.
Should I walk your way or mine now
should I let your hand meet mine now
where should I go.

You know I hate the mornings
My dark leaves with the sun
My heart longs for your brightness
But I know its too undone.

So what should I say now,
what should i say
Should I speak my love in vain now
Should I let you love this way now
what should I say.
where should I go.
what should I do.

today

You know those old memories you have? The ones that you know took place, but they are so faint, you almost wondered if they even happened?
Lately I have relived several memories. There are times when I smell a certain smell, or see a specific shade of light, or get a feeling in my heart while driving in the country on my way to Junction City, and it reminds me of Idaho. That I really lived there. That I really hurt there.
Then I go to Massachusetts, and visit my family. And the memories flood my mind. I can't believe all these things really happened.
I drive by NCU, and remember living and working and eating there. And now its nothing. But I know it really happened.
So now I'm trying to really take in what is going on around me. Because eventually, some or most of these people will have filtered out of my life, and I will miss them, and I will remember smells and sounds, and places, and I will be comforted in knowing that these things really happened.

Dear Jesus,
Help me to value what is around me today.

be

do you ever wonder what you are?
not what you are trying to be, or what you can be, or what you need to be.
i'm wondering what i am right now. what comes from me naturally without thought or effort.
its not love, and unconditional acceptance.
i mean sometimes those things come out, but most of the time its because i am focusing on what i need to be or what i should be.
but what comes out with no effort is
irritation.
sarcasm.
selfishness.
and compulsivity.
oh when can i be what want to be.

Remember not, Lord Christ, our offenses, nor the offenses
of our forefathers; neither reward us according to our sins.
Spare us, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast
redeemed with thy most precious blood, and by thy mercy
preserve us, for ever.
Spare us, good Lord.

I

I am torn.
I want to do the right thing, and I want to do what I want. And so often what I want is not right.
And in my thinking that I want to do what is right, I question why. Why? Why? Because I want to be good? And if I was "good", would I have to even try to do the right thing? It would come naturally.
Being torn with right and wrong makes me realize what a child I am.

Almighty and most merciful Father,
we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep,
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our
own hearts,
we have offended against thy holy laws,
we have left undone those things which we ought to
have done, and we have done those things which we ought not to
have done.
But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
spare thou those who confess their faults,
restore thou those who are penitent,
according to thy promises declared unto mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord;
and grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake,
that we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life,
to the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

---

O God, you have created all things by the power of your
Word, and you renew the earth by your Spirit: Give now the
water of life to those who thirst for you, that they may bring
forth abundant fruit in your glorious kingdom; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.

its Easter.

i think the concept of posting blogs is a funny thing. Its like a way for us to have our "journals" or "diaries" read by other people. Now why i would want that, i don't know.

i have actually had this site for a while, i have just kept it private; no one knew i had it. I like to have things that are between me and myself, and no one else. Why must everything be known? But, i have been having more and more thoughts lately that i want feedback on, but at the same time i don't want to push them on people by imposing a long philosophical conversation on them (which if you know me, you know that tends to happen). SO, in light of this, i decided that if you want to be a part of my thoughts, you have that choice.

It is Holy Week. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. We remember that He is alive, and that he is coming back, and that it's for that reason that some of us devote our lives to "the Way". This intense reminder is good for me. I want to quit sometimes. I want to leave the Way, and I want to do what I want to do. I don't want to think. I don't want to follow. The problem with this is that I have been created with a deep hole in my heart that is constantly screaming for a reason for existence. There must be something more. There must be something more. There must be something more. And that is why Easter is so important. Because it expresses my 'something more'. It gives me a reason.

Lately my questions have been getting answered.

I can't see you!
Blessed is he who believes without seeing.
I don't understand!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
And when I do feel You, why can't everyone else?
The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not comprehend it.

It is right there that i struggle. In my mind; according to what i think i know; i have found what i believe to be the Light. And because of the sense of meaning and fulfillment it brings me, i am compelled to hope and pray and try to get others to find the same Light. But how do you bring something to those that can't comprehend? And why was I allowed to understand? What was the specific light that broke through my darkness? What was the Light brought to me that gave me something more? And who am i to assume that i am privileged?
We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you; Because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world.