Wednesday, June 1, 2011

well.

This blog thing really bothers me sometimes, because I wonder what the point of it is. Blogging is a new kind of way of communicating, and I'm wondering what people did beforehand. Did they write books that never got published? Leave long notes on tree trunks? Yell from the town square? And like anyone can blog these days. I'm back at my place of internet voyeurism. I feel I have something to say that is worth hearing, so here you go web world...But. On the other hand I'm afraid of being judged badly for what I feel like saying. Even if it has no relevance to anything. So if I'm afraid of judgement, and only want the people I know that love me to read my thoughts, then why do I post it on internationally accessible places? Because deep down I think i'm the shit.

Anyway. This whole love your neighbor/love your enemy thing is bothering me. First of all, love your enemy is like my mantra in life, whatever "mantra" means. I declare it. LOVE. That is the most important thing. Love breeds fosters and begets love. Caring for others. If we all could do this we would all be cared for. I know it doesn't work that way, but nonetheless. ANYhow. This love your enemy thing is weird for me right now, because I'm wondering what that looks like. Say hi? Smile? Pretend everything is cool? Laugh at dumb jokes? I don't know. It seems fake. I'm mad at you. I don't want to smile and laugh. I don't want to high five you in the hall way. I don't want to say "see ya" when I leave. So, if I do all those things when I'm hating them on the inside am I loving? Do I mean it?
I suppose the final question is this: If i'm preferring that person above myself to the point that I can't breathe anymore...is that love? Is there an end? Or a limit? Because in my limited mind there seems to be an endless line for love. Its so annoying. But then I know the love I need. That I require. The love that gives me life.
And there are times when I've been really really weak, but still able to acknowledge when life giving love is breathing into me.
Maybe true love is taking away the scales; the need to be right or justified or vindicated.
I want to love like that. Right now its just a dream or a path to shoot for.
But I want to be relieved of those scales.
I want to love freely, and not just because I NEED to be loved freely.
I want it to be real.

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