Goodbye.

Several thoughts right now...
First of all, this is my blog, with my thoughts. So I'm not going feel guilt for expressing what's on my mind when all you have to do is not read it if you don't want to know. Besides, there's only one person I for sure know that reads this.

I never got to say goodbye. I was there, and then I was gone. I never got to say it, and I'm now realizing that I'm going to have to come to grips with that, and accept it as part of the journey I'm on. Since this is my blog, I want to say goodbye.

Anyway, today I'm remembering a feeling that is now only a memory, and a dream I rarely have. There are many things that can trigger this feeling in me: weather, a certain time of day,different times of year, a song, a voice, a picture, my guitar, etc etc.

The feelings are the memories of my past life that just recently passed away. I resort to blogging about it all because I'm sick of talking it to death with my friends. At least now they choose if they want to hear me or not.

I know that there was pain in what I used to have. I know there was. In fact, in many ways I'm so very blessed now even more than before. But there is a sense of loss that only time will heal. I have moved into the acceptance stage of grieving. I have tried to revive my friendships that suffered. I have tried to be supportive in every way. I have tried to escape through relationships, traveling, alcohol, sleeping, and on and on. But the bottom line is only time will wash away the hurt. And only Jesus will give me the grace to survive the time.

First I want to say I'm sorry. I feel I have been treated unjustly, and wrongly. But in the END, I could have prevented this by following what I knew was right. So, I'm sorry.

So I'll miss driving you, and talking with you, and fundraising for you, and singing with you, and going to camp with you, and laughing with you, and teaching for you, and failing for you, and winning for you. I will miss the pain of holding you up, and the lessons you taught me. I will miss being so exhausted I can hardly stand. I will miss the awkward sex talks, telling your parents on you, and the way you make fun of me for being "old". I will miss my office, and you finding the random sherriff badges and boxes of baking soda. I'll miss your art, and discussing the meaning of life. I will miss watching you cry as Jesus touches you while I play you a new song. I'll even miss the damn Scandinavian festival.

Thank you for the time I had with you.
I'm sorry for how it ended.
I love you.
Goodbye.